What Nora Knew by Yellin Linda

Author:Yellin, Linda [Yellin, Linda]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2014-01-21T00:00:00+00:00

13

The day before the Bloomingdale’s fight, Deirdre summoned me to her office. Even by her standards of low necklines, she’d managed to outdo herself. I sat across her glass-topped desk praying she didn’t cough or sneeze, causing her breasts to come flying out at me. Aside from her usual neatly aligned notepads, pens, and laptop, three items were positioned in front of me: what looked like a black metal lipstick tube, a black cigar case, and a short-handled plastic bottle scrubber. “Can you guess what these are?” Deirdre asked. I was about to say a lipstick, a cigar holder, and a bottle scrubber when she said, “Vibrators.”

Oh, the twinkle in her eye, the devilish grin! She removed the lipstick cap to reveal a rubber semblance of a red lipstick and pressed the bottom of the tube. We both sat there watching the rubber lipstick vibrate. Deirdre pressed the button again and then a third time, causing the little bugger to speed up each time. If it were a real lipstick, only a clown could apply it.

“Emily discovered these,” she said. She removed the top of the cigar case, unveiling a rubber mascara wand, slightly too large for a real mascara wand and with bristles I wouldn’t want anywhere near my vagina. Again, Deirdre made it vibrate once, twice, at three speeds. I did not want to ask just where Emily discovered these cosmetically disguised vibrators. The bottle scrubber, it turned out, was supposed to be a blush brush and was the scariest of the three. “Do you know what these are for?” Deirdre asked.

Talk about your awkward questions. “I have a pretty good idea,” I said.

“They’re designed to fool people so you can toss them in your purse and carry them everywhere. Or leave them on your nightstand without worrying what your cleaning lady might think.” Good to know. The day I hire a cleaning lady, I’ll run right out to buy vibrating cosmetics. “But best of all”—there was more?—“you can take them on an airplane.”

Why? I wanted to ask. To fly solo in the mile-high club?

“Emily suggested they’d be a perfect story subject for you.” It’d be fair to say that by this point I was pretty much speechless. Not that Emily’s contribution to my career opportunities was a total surprise, at least not since the angry note I found deposited on my chair: You stole my 92Y panel! Thanks for nothing! Deirdre pushed the three vibrators closer toward me. “Let’s see if you can get these through a security scanner,” she said. “Then women will know if they can grab a lipstick and hop on a plane.” Deirdre loved this assignment. Her smile was amused. Mine was insincere.

“You want me to fly somewhere?” I said. Maybe I could pick the location.

“I want you to get past security,” Deirde said. “The courts downtown have similar scanners. See if you can get through. Cheaper than a plane ticket.”

“Yes, and if I get arrested, I’ll be that much closer to a jail.

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